![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Just for fun, b.f. Sept. 2012 wk 2
Sep. 11th, 2012 08:21 amPrompt: The Journey Doesn't End Here
Title: A Bug Up My Ass
Word Count: 350
Genre: Non-fiction, personal narrative
Author: Urb-banal
Warnings: Language, what else?
An armored bug crawled out from under where I was sitting--wandered just within my peripheral vision. I found myself thinking, or rather trying to will it to change direction and disappear. This is crazy of course. The funny thing, or one of them, is that this is what I do when an unwanted thought arises. I try to will it to change or disappear.
The less than funny thing was that as it seemed to veer towards me I reached down and flicked, gently, but given the difference in our sizes it probably didn't feel gentle for the bug, and it rolled into a ball for a while near the baseboard. I was relieved and hoped it would just crawl under the space between the base board and the floor. It flailed for a while then righted itself and then started its armoured progress towards the corner of my zabuton again. (A zabuton is a square mat that you place a zafu (cushion) on top of to sit on.)
I was doing my Zen sitting. The idea is you stay sitting for a predetermined amount of time, you get up if the house is on fire but for the most part you just sit.
The whole point of sitting is to learn about the movement of mind not to zone out, but I really enjoy zoning out. I also like being unconscious and sleeping soundly. I am a person who would prefer to be oatmeal. I had my time as a spicy chili already. I got my ass kicked frequently. Now I want to be oatmeal.
It seems no matter how much I try however, disturbing things happen, even when nothing can really happen, like when one sits in front of a blank wall.
Eventually the bug went somewhere that I could not see. Maybe it crawled up my ass. The thing is, I stopped worring about it, for good or ill.
I don't think it is a big deal but it did show me very clearly how I usually respond to what I deem to be "unwanted occurances". It occurred to me that maybe much of my depression is not a result of what I did or didn't do, or even what was done or not done to me but the result of this desire to shut down, shut out and turn off.
Title: A Bug Up My Ass
Word Count: 350
Genre: Non-fiction, personal narrative
Author: Urb-banal
Warnings: Language, what else?
An armored bug crawled out from under where I was sitting--wandered just within my peripheral vision. I found myself thinking, or rather trying to will it to change direction and disappear. This is crazy of course. The funny thing, or one of them, is that this is what I do when an unwanted thought arises. I try to will it to change or disappear.
The less than funny thing was that as it seemed to veer towards me I reached down and flicked, gently, but given the difference in our sizes it probably didn't feel gentle for the bug, and it rolled into a ball for a while near the baseboard. I was relieved and hoped it would just crawl under the space between the base board and the floor. It flailed for a while then righted itself and then started its armoured progress towards the corner of my zabuton again. (A zabuton is a square mat that you place a zafu (cushion) on top of to sit on.)
I was doing my Zen sitting. The idea is you stay sitting for a predetermined amount of time, you get up if the house is on fire but for the most part you just sit.
The whole point of sitting is to learn about the movement of mind not to zone out, but I really enjoy zoning out. I also like being unconscious and sleeping soundly. I am a person who would prefer to be oatmeal. I had my time as a spicy chili already. I got my ass kicked frequently. Now I want to be oatmeal.
It seems no matter how much I try however, disturbing things happen, even when nothing can really happen, like when one sits in front of a blank wall.
Eventually the bug went somewhere that I could not see. Maybe it crawled up my ass. The thing is, I stopped worring about it, for good or ill.
I don't think it is a big deal but it did show me very clearly how I usually respond to what I deem to be "unwanted occurances". It occurred to me that maybe much of my depression is not a result of what I did or didn't do, or even what was done or not done to me but the result of this desire to shut down, shut out and turn off.
Which is a big deal. It is bigger than any bug that ever crawled up my ass!
