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riotheclownTitle: Farm Lady
Prompt: "Anything you can do I can do better"
Author: Urb-banal
Warnings: PG, sexual references, language
Word Count: 1,280
“What the hell are you wearing?”
“You like it?" Lady was wearing an antique girdle with actual silk stockings and a bustier and bright yellow raincoat with thigh high vinyl boots. She was thrilled that she found something so rare and sexy for her weekend away with Steven. He had promised her something exotic and unusual.
But it was obvious he wasn't thrilled. He had come to pick her up just outside the Guildwood Gates. She wasn't ready for him to see where she lived and yet she had to run home to pack and check on her dad before leaving for two days.
"Wait a minute! What the fuck are you driving?” The vehicle was spewing some sort of smelly smoke out the back.
“It’s my truck, It runs on fossil fuel. It's four wheel drive, we need it. Climb in!”
“It looks ancient!”
“It is!” Stephen was grinning toothy. It made him look a bit stupid.
“Well aren’t we going to fly to the mainland? I thought you booked a resort...”
“No. This will be much more fun. It’s a surprise!”
“I …”
“I don’t want anything to remind us of work for two whole days!”
“I can do that.” Lady said, more uncertain than she usually was.
“It’s got a ‘CD player’ circa turn of the century!” he said pleased. He popped in a “CD”. Do you like old music? I’ve got vintage originals, mint condition!”
“Umm, I like the last century pornography, some of that has music.”
“This is way better than anything you will have heard then! “Owen Pallet, Earth, Wind and Fire…you are going to love it. Vivaldi, you ever hear of him, completely old… We’ve got a long drive but I have plenty music!”
She fell asleep. None of the roads had been particularly good but they were consistently bad to the point of lulling her to sleep. Hours passed uneventfully but she awoke when the truck was pitching back and forth, occasionally revving loudly as the wheels spun in mud lurching the truck forward. It was still dark but she had a feeling it was approaching morning.
“We’re here!” Steven shouted.
“Where?” Lady asked no one. Steven had already gotten out of the truck and was heading towards a dim light at the bottom of a hill.
“Wait!” Lady was having trouble following him in her high heeled boots.
He stopped. “Oh sorry, here take my hand. This place is isolated. Nobody except my closest friends know about it. You’ll meet them. ..”
Lady was starting to feel worried. She had never been so far from the city. She had no idea where they were as she had slept most of the way there. The sun was starting to creep into the sky and valley mist was quickly evaporating in the light. She could see a group of buildings.
"I didn't want you to get your party clothes dirty!” He laughed. “But we’ll get you out of them soon enough! First I want to show you something in the barn.”
“I want to go home!” Lady said pulling away from him.
“Don’t be silly! You have to see this!”
“I don’t want to see anything. I want to go home!” He was acting strange. She suddenly realized she didn't know him very well, he was so serious usually and now he was acting crazy...
Steven was laughing and pulling her along behind him. “Stop making such a fuss!” He opened the barn door and shoved her inside.
Two people in overalls were bent over something lying down in the straw.
Steven turned around and beamed an enormous goofy smile at her. “Piglets!”
A very old and very black man and an equally old and black woman waved Steven closer enthusiastically.
“This is a great day! Our first 16th century cloned hogs have given birth to their very own piglets!” The old man mopped his teary eyes with a cloth. “I wish you had been here to see it. I was scared to death something would go wrong, we’ve been up all night and all the day before.” He shook his head with the wonder of it.
The woman was eyeing Lady up and down, her bottom lip pushed out further than her nose in a total lack of effort to hide her disapproval. “Ummm.”
“Martha, this is Lady. She works at the plant. She has a way with animals.”
“Snakes most likely.” Martha, squinting at her as if the sight of Lady hurt her eyes "good with your snake you mean..." she mumbled.
Steven didn’t get it but Lady did. “That’s right, and I tell you, for a minute I thought Steven was going to turn into one of those Wanderers and truss me up for some freaked out sex banquet or some-at.” Looking at the piglets she said, “Oh can I hold one? Please!”
“Not yet. They are like human babies, very vulnerable to germs the first few hours. You'd know that if you were 'so good' with animals." Martha almost spit the words.
Steven aware now that he had somehow crossed a line by bringing Lady said, “Martha, I am afraid it is my fault that you and Lady are off to a bad start."
Martha seemed to physically shake off her previous temper. “That’s alright Steven. You know you are welcome to bring anyone here you like, no explanations. Now maybe she would like to come with me and I’ll try to find some clothes that are more, ahemmm suitable ."
Lady followed her inside a small stone house.
Martha rummaged in a trunk and handed a bundle of clothing to her.
She was sure Martha picked out the ugliest shirt and baggiest pants she could find, once dressed she walked out to the barn still wearing her high heeled boots. Martha handed her some ratty old cotton shoes. “Don’t have extra boots, sorry” was all she said to Lady.
Steven gave her a tour, “This is a refurbished 16th Century working farm, completely isolated and TOP SECRET. We’ve been fixing it for fifteen years, we’ve got an orchard, a wheat field, a hay field, a kitchen garden and a vegetable garden. We don’t use any gasoline powered equipment. We mill the grain with a grinder that runs on methane. We make our own methane. We’ve got a horse and an ox and a cow and a goat. We’re going to artificially inseminate them all and start breeding heirloom chattel from pre-engineered era DNA. I have a kiln and an outdoor bread oven and a Blacksmithing bellows! Oh and we’ve got chickens. I hate the dirty birds but I like omelets. Let me make you one!”
He had just said more to her than he had since she met him. He looked like he was going to start skipping. He headed off down a muddy a road, leaving her standing there not sure which way to go.
“Fuck!” she said to no one.
“Not likely!” Martha said with a laugh. “More like ‘Muck!’ as in 'mucking out the stalls', you can start right after breakfast! Go on then. Steven will at least feed you first. You think you can manage a bit of hard work your Ladyship?”
"I can work harder than some old woman" muttered Lady to herself. She suspected rightly that she wasn’t going to get a hot bath this weekend, not without a lot of chopping wood and hauling water. “I don’t suppose you’ve got indoor plumbing?” she yelled over her shoulder as she stumbled off in the direction Steven had been headed.
She could hear Martha and Henry laughing.
Prompt: "Anything you can do I can do better"
Author: Urb-banal
Warnings: PG, sexual references, language
Word Count: 1,280
“What the hell are you wearing?”
“You like it?" Lady was wearing an antique girdle with actual silk stockings and a bustier and bright yellow raincoat with thigh high vinyl boots. She was thrilled that she found something so rare and sexy for her weekend away with Steven. He had promised her something exotic and unusual.
But it was obvious he wasn't thrilled. He had come to pick her up just outside the Guildwood Gates. She wasn't ready for him to see where she lived and yet she had to run home to pack and check on her dad before leaving for two days.
"Wait a minute! What the fuck are you driving?” The vehicle was spewing some sort of smelly smoke out the back.
“It’s my truck, It runs on fossil fuel. It's four wheel drive, we need it. Climb in!”
“It looks ancient!”
“It is!” Stephen was grinning toothy. It made him look a bit stupid.
“Well aren’t we going to fly to the mainland? I thought you booked a resort...”
“No. This will be much more fun. It’s a surprise!”
“I …”
“I don’t want anything to remind us of work for two whole days!”
“I can do that.” Lady said, more uncertain than she usually was.
“It’s got a ‘CD player’ circa turn of the century!” he said pleased. He popped in a “CD”. Do you like old music? I’ve got vintage originals, mint condition!”
“Umm, I like the last century pornography, some of that has music.”
“This is way better than anything you will have heard then! “Owen Pallet, Earth, Wind and Fire…you are going to love it. Vivaldi, you ever hear of him, completely old… We’ve got a long drive but I have plenty music!”
She fell asleep. None of the roads had been particularly good but they were consistently bad to the point of lulling her to sleep. Hours passed uneventfully but she awoke when the truck was pitching back and forth, occasionally revving loudly as the wheels spun in mud lurching the truck forward. It was still dark but she had a feeling it was approaching morning.
“We’re here!” Steven shouted.
“Where?” Lady asked no one. Steven had already gotten out of the truck and was heading towards a dim light at the bottom of a hill.
“Wait!” Lady was having trouble following him in her high heeled boots.
He stopped. “Oh sorry, here take my hand. This place is isolated. Nobody except my closest friends know about it. You’ll meet them. ..”
Lady was starting to feel worried. She had never been so far from the city. She had no idea where they were as she had slept most of the way there. The sun was starting to creep into the sky and valley mist was quickly evaporating in the light. She could see a group of buildings.
"I didn't want you to get your party clothes dirty!” He laughed. “But we’ll get you out of them soon enough! First I want to show you something in the barn.”
“I want to go home!” Lady said pulling away from him.
“Don’t be silly! You have to see this!”
“I don’t want to see anything. I want to go home!” He was acting strange. She suddenly realized she didn't know him very well, he was so serious usually and now he was acting crazy...
Steven was laughing and pulling her along behind him. “Stop making such a fuss!” He opened the barn door and shoved her inside.
Two people in overalls were bent over something lying down in the straw.
Steven turned around and beamed an enormous goofy smile at her. “Piglets!”
A very old and very black man and an equally old and black woman waved Steven closer enthusiastically.
“This is a great day! Our first 16th century cloned hogs have given birth to their very own piglets!” The old man mopped his teary eyes with a cloth. “I wish you had been here to see it. I was scared to death something would go wrong, we’ve been up all night and all the day before.” He shook his head with the wonder of it.
The woman was eyeing Lady up and down, her bottom lip pushed out further than her nose in a total lack of effort to hide her disapproval. “Ummm.”
“Martha, this is Lady. She works at the plant. She has a way with animals.”
“Snakes most likely.” Martha, squinting at her as if the sight of Lady hurt her eyes "good with your snake you mean..." she mumbled.
Steven didn’t get it but Lady did. “That’s right, and I tell you, for a minute I thought Steven was going to turn into one of those Wanderers and truss me up for some freaked out sex banquet or some-at.” Looking at the piglets she said, “Oh can I hold one? Please!”
“Not yet. They are like human babies, very vulnerable to germs the first few hours. You'd know that if you were 'so good' with animals." Martha almost spit the words.
Steven aware now that he had somehow crossed a line by bringing Lady said, “Martha, I am afraid it is my fault that you and Lady are off to a bad start."
Martha seemed to physically shake off her previous temper. “That’s alright Steven. You know you are welcome to bring anyone here you like, no explanations. Now maybe she would like to come with me and I’ll try to find some clothes that are more, ahemmm suitable ."
Lady followed her inside a small stone house.
Martha rummaged in a trunk and handed a bundle of clothing to her.
She was sure Martha picked out the ugliest shirt and baggiest pants she could find, once dressed she walked out to the barn still wearing her high heeled boots. Martha handed her some ratty old cotton shoes. “Don’t have extra boots, sorry” was all she said to Lady.
Steven gave her a tour, “This is a refurbished 16th Century working farm, completely isolated and TOP SECRET. We’ve been fixing it for fifteen years, we’ve got an orchard, a wheat field, a hay field, a kitchen garden and a vegetable garden. We don’t use any gasoline powered equipment. We mill the grain with a grinder that runs on methane. We make our own methane. We’ve got a horse and an ox and a cow and a goat. We’re going to artificially inseminate them all and start breeding heirloom chattel from pre-engineered era DNA. I have a kiln and an outdoor bread oven and a Blacksmithing bellows! Oh and we’ve got chickens. I hate the dirty birds but I like omelets. Let me make you one!”
He had just said more to her than he had since she met him. He looked like he was going to start skipping. He headed off down a muddy a road, leaving her standing there not sure which way to go.
“Fuck!” she said to no one.
“Not likely!” Martha said with a laugh. “More like ‘Muck!’ as in 'mucking out the stalls', you can start right after breakfast! Go on then. Steven will at least feed you first. You think you can manage a bit of hard work your Ladyship?”
"I can work harder than some old woman" muttered Lady to herself. She suspected rightly that she wasn’t going to get a hot bath this weekend, not without a lot of chopping wood and hauling water. “I don’t suppose you’ve got indoor plumbing?” she yelled over her shoulder as she stumbled off in the direction Steven had been headed.
She could hear Martha and Henry laughing.
