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riotheclownI took half a sleeping pill and slept from 10:30pm until almost 6:00am. Wow. I think I will start to put the house back in order. I took out all the pictures at one point and there are SO MANY and threw out a lot of clothes, well, donated them to charity. She had some beautiful clothes but she was only a girls size 12 and there aren't that many people who are. Some lucky girl's mom can buy her three cashmere sweaters at the Goodwill.
It was stupid really. I should have left that for last but I got a call from the "Clothesline" people to see if I had any "clothing or small household items for donation" and I did... I put aside the kilt my mother wanted to give my sister and the cable knit sweater every so often she would want to throw out but later would decide was her favourite. There was all the stuff in the laundry I didn't wash yet. That is still around, mostly bed wear, housecoat, fuzzy socks...
I didn't give away the blue fisherman's sweater that I found in the bottom of her closet. She kept saying she wanted to wear it but I couldn't find it and in my exhausted state told her that a housecoat was easier to put on and off. I really thought she had thrown it out. She has been throwing out clothes for years. Even when I was a kid she did these purges. I guess it was good. Cut down on the clutter. I sort of take after her in that. Black and grey go together. Easy.
She was always a smartly dressed woman with great a sense of style. It made buying her anything almost impossible. I had over heard all the dismissive comments made from the time I was old enough to run a silk scarf through my fingers. "Have you ever seen anything more ugly?" I was thrilled a few years ago when I got it right with a red leather jacket. She wore it enough I had to get it dry cleaned this year.
I had bought her a sweater jacket that was that electric blue that was popular a season ago, to go with her electric blue Tilley Endurables silk suit for Xmas. Lately she was always cold. She chose the soft navy blue in the warm jersey material, with a new crisp white crew neck cotton sweater for her birthday instead. When I went to take it back the first thing I thought was, Well, at least I don't have to face the anxiety of worrying whether she thought it was ugly, or a waste of money.
I took the sweater back to the store. I thought I might buy a top to wear to the funeral but after looking at a lot of choices I came to the cash register with something black with a pattern of grey and brown. I left it. I don't need a new top.
I know that this state I am in is normal for a grieving person. I would like to be able to put the same face on each thing that holds her scent that the world has known, and not the feeling of rejection and inadequacy that comes to mind.
But I will hold to the final acceptance I found. Humans confound themselves with wants and desires and fears, when in their simplest form they are free, and in their most marvelous state, are conduits of creativity, compassion and awareness.
It was stupid really. I should have left that for last but I got a call from the "Clothesline" people to see if I had any "clothing or small household items for donation" and I did... I put aside the kilt my mother wanted to give my sister and the cable knit sweater every so often she would want to throw out but later would decide was her favourite. There was all the stuff in the laundry I didn't wash yet. That is still around, mostly bed wear, housecoat, fuzzy socks...
I didn't give away the blue fisherman's sweater that I found in the bottom of her closet. She kept saying she wanted to wear it but I couldn't find it and in my exhausted state told her that a housecoat was easier to put on and off. I really thought she had thrown it out. She has been throwing out clothes for years. Even when I was a kid she did these purges. I guess it was good. Cut down on the clutter. I sort of take after her in that. Black and grey go together. Easy.
She was always a smartly dressed woman with great a sense of style. It made buying her anything almost impossible. I had over heard all the dismissive comments made from the time I was old enough to run a silk scarf through my fingers. "Have you ever seen anything more ugly?" I was thrilled a few years ago when I got it right with a red leather jacket. She wore it enough I had to get it dry cleaned this year.
I had bought her a sweater jacket that was that electric blue that was popular a season ago, to go with her electric blue Tilley Endurables silk suit for Xmas. Lately she was always cold. She chose the soft navy blue in the warm jersey material, with a new crisp white crew neck cotton sweater for her birthday instead. When I went to take it back the first thing I thought was, Well, at least I don't have to face the anxiety of worrying whether she thought it was ugly, or a waste of money.
I took the sweater back to the store. I thought I might buy a top to wear to the funeral but after looking at a lot of choices I came to the cash register with something black with a pattern of grey and brown. I left it. I don't need a new top.
I know that this state I am in is normal for a grieving person. I would like to be able to put the same face on each thing that holds her scent that the world has known, and not the feeling of rejection and inadequacy that comes to mind.
But I will hold to the final acceptance I found. Humans confound themselves with wants and desires and fears, when in their simplest form they are free, and in their most marvelous state, are conduits of creativity, compassion and awareness.
